I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
