He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
