my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
