his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize