You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
