Don't make out with my wife yet
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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