you guys were way drunker than both of me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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