I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
