I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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