I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
