he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
