if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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