I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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