I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
