Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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