goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
