Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
