1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
