I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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