my phone needs a breathalizer
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
