Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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