All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
