Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
