Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
