just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
