Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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