my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it's like iHOP with fire
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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