Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize