please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You made out with two different species that night
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
