I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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