Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
did i just pee glitter
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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