theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
