Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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