hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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