Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
