every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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