nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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