I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
