He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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