We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
