The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize