So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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