I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
