gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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