my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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