Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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