do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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