Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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