great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
