she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
