so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
