so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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