I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
