is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
