Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
