Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
