smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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