this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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