We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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