Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
