How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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